I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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