Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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