Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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