so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
