OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
