Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
