My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
