Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize