Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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