I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
