franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
