dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Found the puke drawer
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
