Cold hands, warm shart.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
