so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
