you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
