Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
