I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You took a bar mat shot.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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