11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
