i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize