I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
