So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
