my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You ate ashes out of my bong
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
