There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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