This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
