Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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