Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
