I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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