My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
