I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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