Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
