if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
