the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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