I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
