I puked a lego.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
