I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
