So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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