just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
