I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
