Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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