Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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