Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
