Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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