just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize