Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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