Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
