she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
