3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
