some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize