naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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