So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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