she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
