My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
