White coat. Heels.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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