She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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