no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize