They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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