I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
