11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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