I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
pop tarts are not kleenex
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
