By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
