The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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